I’ve tried to write this latest post what feels like a 100 times. I’ve got at least 6 different saved drafts, and several blurbs and ideas jotted down, but the truth is, whenever I sit down to write them out, it just feels forced. I’m sure I could string together the right words to convey that “Trusting in God is more than simply believing in Him. It’s trusting in His plan and doing what He says to do,” or that “Sometimes you need to evaluate if you’re being Stretched or Stretched Thin”, but it just feels so forced every time I put my hands to the keys. I go at it thinking, “Well, maybe if I just start typing out my thoughts, it’ll come together!” but what comes out is forced and generic.
I’ve told myself it was because I got busy, I got out of the rhythm of writing. It’s not true. I mean, I have been busy, but not enough that I didn’t have time to write. I was in places where it was difficult to write, but that’s not why I stopped.
I’ve gotten discouraged. Maybe that’s not exactly the right word, but it’s the closest I can think of. Oh, my faith is still strong, and I’ve had more conformations that God is real and working and using me than ever before, but at the same time, man have I been under attack! ( I would like to apologize for all the Christianese in here, but it’s like my second language, and I wouldn’t know how else to describe it!)
In the past 3 months, I’ve had 3 friends die. Two were very young and very unexpected. One was suddenly extremely sick, and then painfully fighting. Since then, I’ve heard from 2 others about cancers that have sprung up. One has been told it’s a death sentence, and the other, well, I’m believing they caught it in time. I have another extremely close friend who went from dating an abusive guy to one who is actively and convincingly attacking her faith. And in all of this, all I can do is pray.
I know God is a BIG, HUGE God. I know that He has the best plans for me. For them. I know He made the largest sacrifice anyone has ever made, ever. I know He loves me.
But I like to be in charge.
I like having all the answers.
I like to know what to say, what to do.
I need to know the plan.
I need to know how to help.
… and I don’t.
And it scares me some times.
And it makes me want to run.
Run to where I know what to do,
to where I have a purpose,
to where I can be of use.
But the thing about God is that, when you’re in those times of just utter discouragement, where you feel useless and like nothing you do actually makes the tiniest difference? That’s when He sends people to remind you. To remind you that, 1st off, it’s not about you, it’s about Him, and 2ndly, when you follow His leading, that’s when things happen. That’s when you can be used.
I can honestly say that, though I have never really felt this discouraged and attacked, I have never had more support. No one knows that this stuff is really going on. I don’t talk about my problems, except for here, so it’s not like these people know to say something. But yet there they are, almost every day, reminding me of the time that I followed God’s lead, even though I didn’t “feel” it. Telling me about how this conversation we had changed their life, asking me to do crazy amazing things, things that are greater than I would have put myself up for. It’s like a bombardment of reminders that when I follow God’s leading, I become a World Changer. A Planet Shaker. A Road Block in Satan’s path.
I can’t say that I’m not discouraged at times. I still wish I could do something, like make so many copies, run so many errands, do so many jumping jacks, and the problems would go away. But that’s not life, and that’s not how this works. But, I can say that whatever gets thrown at me, I know how to handle it.
By running to Him.