Hi. I’ve been gone for a bit, and I am sorry for that. I told you before that I wouldn’t write if I didn’t have something to write about, and unfortunately, I have had things to write about, but for some reason just couldn’t put my hands to the keyboard to do it. Everytime I went to begin, well, I got bombarded with these thoughts. So I thought I’d let you in on them.
This part may sound braggish, but I’m rather good at things. Just things in general. I get math, English, history. I’ve made convincing arguments, and created lovely things. I’ve been told I’m witty and stylish. And for me, life has been rather… easy.
I don’t mean that I haven’t faced challenges. I’ve had my fair share. I am by no means perfect. But when it comes to life, there are few things that perplex me. And that is my down fall.
This sounds like such a sad and pathetic pity party for myself for having a good life, and that is so not what I want this to sound like! So please bare with me.
The reason it’s my downfall, is because in the ease of my life, I grow complacent. It’s almost like I’ve been drugged into submission. Because there is no need to press farther, it’s easy to not press at all. And when you’re there, wasting away, it’s easy to focus on your faults.
I’ve found myself examining my life, and found it wanting. I’ve been just passively going through life, not making a difference. I looked at others around me, and when looking at the good they’re doing, the passion they possess, I didn’t rejoice in their success. I wept in my ineptitude. I am not a people person. I am more than happy to sit at home alone. Yes, I do big adventures, but I’m a go big or go home girl. So when I’m working with my small group and not seeing the same results as the other groups, I think, “Why do I bother?” When I read other bloggers moving posts, I think, “I’ll never have that flow.” When someone asks me to hangout, I find it physically taxing sometimes. I’m not as witty or charming as my sister, or as sweet as my mother, or as helpful as my dad, or…. The list can go on and on of the things I am not.
And that’s where I was. Where I’ve been. Wallowing in my self pity and doubt. And it sucked. Seriously. BUT, do you know what can take place when we’re weak? God’s Grace is made PERFECT in our weakness!
I don’t know if you’re getting how profound that is. Because the thing is, I can do math. I know God gave me the ability, but its not something that I will ever be able to use to show God’s hand, working in my life. (Not that He can’t use math, He’s just not going to use me and math together.) In math, it’s me. There is no glory being given to God. But when someone tells me my writing inspired them? When a girl tells me I spoke some life changing words into her life? When someone ACTUALLY WANTS to go out of their way to grow a deeper friendship with ME? That can only be God. Only option. THE ONLY OPTION. Because anyone whose read my journals can tell you, I am not a great writer. The fact that I have this blog would give my fifth grade teacher a heart attack, and can only be described as an act of God. That one of my girls is learning something from my ramblings? God. That someone thinks I’m an important person who they want to be like and admire? GOD!
This is not me asking for praise and assurances of my abilities. I know what I’m great at, and it is not those things. But those are the things that God has chosen to use in my life. And I love that. It makes it so easy when I’m asked how I know God is real, that I can say, “Well, the fact that I’m talking to you and you actually care what an oddball like me has to say is some overwhelming proof.”
There is a reason the Bible tells us to “Rejoice IN THE LORD always!” It’s not telling us to find something in ourselves to exalt, it’s telling us to rejoice in Him! Because in our weakness, He is proven strong. So I’ll be proud of the weaknesses that keep me humble. They are my reminders that I can’t do it all, and when I make my attempts to do things in my own strength, I’m putting forth an effort that will ultimately fail in comparison to the plan that He has.
Thank you guys for reading. It really does mean a lot to me. I’ve missed you these last few weeks. I will be going back to Mexico this next week, so I will be away again, but when I come back, I’m excited to see what’s ahead for here!