Simply put, Perfect takes things out of God’s hands, and puts it all in yours.

Perfection is something we’re told to strive for, but is that really what we should be doing? I know that when I search for ways to “perfect” myself, I don’t feel better about myself. I feel much, much worse. When I learned to embrace the fact that I am human and doomed to failures when left to my own devices, but that there was still this person who loved me, despite the evil that resides within, I was able to let go. I let go of the feelings of superiority and realized that all the good I did was not my own doing. I let go of the facade that insisted people wouldn’t love the girl who had doubts about herself, and instead let others in. I realized that all the good I could possibly do didn’t come close to what God could do through me. I learned that in stepping to the sidelines and letting Him take the Glory, I would be more rewarded than if I had done it alone.

So, I’m setting aside the quest for Perfection, and instead looking into His righteousness. I’m trying to give up control. I’m learning how to open up. But most of all, I’m learning to rely on Him.

Thank you for reading. It really means the world to me. Also, I will be going back to Zacatecas, Mexico, for 2 weeks on Monday! A team of middle and high school students will be joining me. Please pray for unity, easy traveling, and good deals with the finances we have! If God could stretch the loaves and fishes to feed the 5,000, I know He can stretch the money we’ve raised to do all that we need it to do and more. Truly, your prayers are very important. So thank you for them!

I don’t get you.

I don’t understand how you can look at yourself and not find all that is good and glorious about you. I don’t know why you continually accept less than you deserve and take on more guilt than you’re due. I don’t know why you can’t hold your head high all the time, even when you haven’t showered. I don’t get why you don’t go after those secret desires in your heart, why you are so afraid of failure. 

I want you to see all that I see when I look at you. What we all see when we look at you. Someone with passion, drive, ambition. Someone who can’t be stopped. Someone who finds the best in every situation, who brings the best out of all those around you. A source of encouragement and joy for so many. Such an incredible, undeniable strength.

I don’t know what to say or do to make you understand, so all I can say is this: I struggle with the same feelings. I think we all do at some point. But that doesn’t make them true. It just makes them there. And I realize that you feel alone in this, but I need you to know, I’m here. I will always be here for you. So lets fight these battles together, ok?

With all my love,

Lauren

Thank you all for reading! It means so much to me.

Now, Xtreme Week is when all the schools in a region, like Central America come together for a conference. Each “Week” is different, depending on the group of schools, who’s throwing it, and so on. Lee Anne and I went prepared to stay at a hotel/ resort. We brought our nicest clothes, got all dolled up, and headed down. What we encountered was not exactly “hotel.”

It was like camp, Summer Camp. With bunk beds, and ropes courses, mess lines for food. The shower was heated by electricity, which, if you remember anything from your hair dryer warning labels, is a TERRIFYING CONCEPT to someone who has always been told certain death would meet her if water and electricity were ever to mix.  Of course, Lee Anne immediately left me alone to hangout with the professors and administrators of the schools, and I was left to fend for myself.

I spoke barely a word of Spanish at the time, and what I did speak was exclusively telling (yelling)

kids what to do. I didn’t have a clue how to have an actual conversation with these people! But, like with all things, God brought me through. He brought the El Salvadorians across my path, and a more rambunctious, crazy group you will never find, so clearly I fit right in. We bonded, laughed, and played, and I soon got my very own Canzion name, “La Prima” or the Cousin. I was thoroughly in El Salvador’s camp.

But then the first night came around. We were introduced to all the schools who had come, Panama, Costa Rica, Guatemala, El Salavador, and Honduras. Each night, a different band got up and did praise and worship. I heard these kids hearts, about what they want for their school, for their church, for their countries, and I realized, that even though they were speaking Spanish, their desires were my desires. Their God was and is my God. And sure enough, their worship was the same as mine.

It’s an interesting thing that happens when you knit your heart with someone else’s. It’s why people say you need to be careful about the romantic relationships you choose. When you join your heart with someone else’s, their problems become yours, and yours become theirs. In romantic relationships, that can easily topple a couple over, and the tearing apart leaves many broken and, well, torn.  But when you do join forces with other believers, investing in what they’re doing, praying for them, they praying for you, it is a POWERFUL thing. It’s a God thing that takes place. Because instead of your shared burdens making everything heavier, it makes it lighter. It makes it a task that is easy to overcome.

That’s what happened in Costa Rica, amidst the 3 days of nonstop rain, power outages, and language barriers. We came together, completely foreign people to each other, hailing from different countries, denominations, churches, and decided to lay all that crap aside and join together in God and what He had planned for that week. You could tangibly feel the presence of God fill and consume that place. I’m sure many of you have felt something similar to that. It happens at nearly all summer camps. It’s what happens when you lay aside all of your personal things and focus on God, or that’s what we tell the kids I counseled. But I think it’s something more than that.

IT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE COME TOGETHER

It’s not about the iPhone, or Twitter, or Facebook finally being absent from your life, though I’m sure it helps. It’s about putting aside our differences, and joining forces with our brothers and sisters in Christ as opposed to arguing about minute details.

What do you think would happen if, instead of spreading rumors about other congregations to boost our own attendance, we met together and prayed? What would happen if we stopped fighting over whether God preordained your life or not, and lifted up our opposition instead? What if we helped out when other churches were going through a rough patch, instead of point out flaws and handing out “I told you so’s”? What if we quit looking at ourselves, and asked those around us what we could do for them? Do you think you would see a change in the World around us?

The Church was never meant to be divided. We aren’t supposed to be a single strand, easily snapped. We’re supposed to all band together, a united front, inseparable and strong.

That’s what happened in Costa Rica. And that’s what I want today.

Thank you so much for reading! It means so much to me. 

Now, I know that there are those of you who will say, “I’m not called to ‘The Mission Field.’ God hasn’t called me to Africa, the Outback, or Across the Border  or in the Amazon. My ‘Mission Field’ is here in my back yard.” And to those of you who say that, yes, you’re right. The “Mission Field” is not just across a border. When we were given the Great Commision, it wasn’t just to GO! It was to go EVERYWHERE, all at once. And yes, we cannot go everywhere at once. That’s why the Church, the whole church, has a part to play in this. We’re all called to play a part in this, whether it’s to Go, Pray, or Donate. We ALL have a responsibility to play in it.

That all being said, I am sick of hearing that certain people aren’t called to Missions. They say that their mission field is in their back yard, and yet they never reach out to anyone within their county. I’ll be honest, I don’t really much evangelizing in my own state. If that urge is there, I’ll sometimes yield to it, but that happens, well, not all that often. But when I’m on some cobblestone streets and yet another Mexican asks me why I’m there, the words flow easy. “I’m here to show them God’s Love.” And when I hear people say that the Mission Field isn’t for them, and not see them making the effort to reach out to the people around them, well, it kinda makes me want to throttle them.  One, not only do they have this great, amazing, free gift that they’re hiding from the World, but two, they tend to sometimes belittle those who do go. I’ve heard many times that I was just going on another vacation, or that my trip was an “easy” or “soft” trip, that it didn’t count. And while I don’t care what those people think of me, my heart aches for those people who are called and don’t go because of their words.

The thing is, there’s something miraculous that happens when you leave your corner of the world, even if it’s just to the next state over, if you let it. When you get out of your box, you’re forced to rely on God. And when that happens, He’s allowed to move. Things HAPPEN, not only within you, but in the people that you’re ministering to. And yes, you can and should operate in all that while in your corner of the world, but for many, they don’t have the guts to do it. And that’s why I think you’re called to GO, so that you can get out of your box, learn to rely on God, and KEEP RELYING ON HIM INSIDE OF YOUR BOX! So you can help the hurting world around you. So that you can encourage the Body of Christ all around the world. And if you really feel like God has said that you aren’t supposed to GO, you need to pray about whether you’re supposed to Donate to those missionaries out there, the ones who regularly go to the flea market to sell their clothes so that they have food for themselves, Pray for those families that are adjusting to a new culture and trying to make a difference, or Go out and make your corner of the world your Mission Field. But no matter what, you’ve got to take an action. Go, Donate, Pray, Make it happen, or just Give Love.

Please.

Thank you guys for reading! If you have any questions about Missions, finding places to support or go to, send me an email! thelaurenjean@gmail.com

You see, my initial, immediate response when confronted with opposition is to massacre the enemy. Many people find me nice and sweet, until they hear my actual thoughts voiced. The amount of time it takes me to jump from being insulted to deep, world destroying revenge is quite literally, terrifying. When I was informed that an abusive boyfriend of a friend was contemplating suicide, my first desire was to offer him a ride to the nearest bridge. When the “mother” of the young girl at my orphanage in Mexico kidnapped her daughter, planning to sell her into the sex trade, my prayers alternated between her coming down with an incredibly painful illness that would never kill her, God lightning bolting the crap out of her right then and there and ending this whole thing, and the mother having a Damascus moment, giving her life over to Christ and returning my precious girl. I can tell you, the prayer for her salvation was the shortest. When told by a customer that the only reason I got my job was because I was the owners daughter and that I had several things in common with a female dog, because she waited till the last minute to reserve equipment for her wedding, which fell on the 2nd busiest day of our entire year, my first thought was to put a Craigslist add for eggers, and worse to attend and ruin her wedding/life.

None of that really screams CHRISTIAN!!!, does it?

And yet, I think it’s proof that I am one, and that there most definitely is a God. Not because I think those things, but because I have yet to act on them, and the more time I spend with Him, the quicker I identify those actions as not ok. Now, I know that the Bible says that whoever dwells on things, it’s basically as good as committing them, but the fact is, without God, I WOULD act on them. Without God, I wouldn’t be able to feel sorry for what those people and realize that they are hurting people. Without God, I wouldn’t be able to stop those thoughts. Seriously, I would be a very scary person.

But, praise the Lord, we have a God who is so much bigger than my thought life. A God who every day, is working in and through our lives. Sometimes, keeping us from being the terrifying version of ourselves, and sometimes it’s by making us blessings to others. Sometimes, it is so obvious that it’s Him, it’s ridiculous, but most of the time, it’s small things that we just brush off as common or expected. And that is a shame. We’re wasting valuable learning experience. A friend recently told me that she was, “great at seeing God in my past,” but “awful at seeing Him in my now.” I want to see God in my now. I want to learn in the midst of my situations, not after the end. I want to thank Him for stopping me from doing what my flesh wants and helping me identify it now, not when we’re in heaven. I want to stop planning people’s demise when offended, and instead help them fix whatever made them so awful to begin with. And clearly, that can only happen with God.

Thank you guys so much for reading!

  If you went to any Sunday School worth its weight in graham crackers, you know this verse. It’s one we’ve had pounded into our heads since a young age, and for those of you who didn’t grow up with Bible Races and Memory Verse Tests, it’s one of the first verses I believe they make you learn. It’s just so core to our beliefs. Trusting in God is just something you have to do. But I don’t think we really get it.

I think that unfortunately, we think that trusting in God is something like this:

We act like “Trusting” is the same as “Believing” in God.  Or that it’s simply “trusting” that God has a good plan for you. But the thing is, it’s so much more.

Sometimes, God asks us to do some things that seem crazy, or impossible, or just the worst. Sometimes, it’s all three of those things in one.  And I don’t know about you, but when He asks me to do something that fulfills all 3 categories, I often argue and try to point out that my way is obviously the right way.  That there could be no possible good coming from my suffering through another moment in this person’s presence, or putting myself out there in an awkward situation will not help anyone else, but He somehow always manages to prove me wrong.

I think it has something to do with when we’re out of our comfort zone, it is entirely on God. All the pressure, and all the Glory as well. And I sometimes have a hard time giving that up. Giving up control. Trusting someone else. I’m a micro manager. That’s one of the reasons I don’t post here all that often, because if things aren’t perfect, I feel like it’ll reflect poorly on me. That’s just stupid! Of course I will mess up, and it’s ok.  God loves me, and uses me in spite of that fact. And choosing to do nothing till it’s perfect, well, it’s a waste. That’s the not trust. Trust requires an action.

So, I guess I’m just starting to realize that to trust Him, I need to remember that that verse is more than just words.  I need to remember that in ALL my ways to acknowledge Him, and let Him direct my path. Only then will life line up.

I haven’t written here for a month.

And maybe a little lazy...

I haven’t done laundry longer than that. I just keep wearing clothes until they smell. (Sorry, I know, I’m a little gross. (Ok, maybe a lot gross.))

Every time I walk past this, I can hear the yarn cry out, asking me to play with it.

I don’t even know when the last time it was that I picked up my knitting.

As far as “Hanging Out” with people has gone, for the last month, pretty much the only social interaction I’ve had was from weddings and showers that I had to go to because I said I would, before I knew what a beast June was going to be. 

But I’m not lazy. I just have different priorities. 

I found out that if I work from 8 am – 7 pm, I need to sit and not do anything for the rest of the day if I’m going to be able to function.

I realized that it’s ok to focus on me. I don’t have to be the person with the answers for others all the time.

My favorite flower, in case you were wondering.

I discovered that the world will still turn if I don’t check Facebook or Twitter, and the world doesn’t need to see every single cool flower pic I’ve taken on Instagram.

How can you not get excited reading that?!

I found that spending time in the Word for myself is so much better than reading someone else’s blog post on their time with God.

It is impossible to not have a good time at an Imagine Dragons show.

I’ve realized that the world outside can be energizing, and exciting, and that sometimes, I just need to force myself to go out and have a good time.

I guess I’m admitting that I am still learning so much about my priorities in life, and what I want them to be.

I know I can’t keep all of this up. I don’t want too. There are far to many interesting things out there, that I’d miss out on if I always had mandatory down time. I have far to many cute outfits that will eventually have to be washed. Facebook and Twitter are excellent ways to keep tabs on my friends all over. But it is ok to let some things slide, as long as it’s not the important things. And it’s ok to be ok with that.

Thanks for reading! I’ve missed you all!

I’ve told myself it was because I got busy, I got out of the rhythm of writing. It’s not true. I mean, I have been busy, but not enough that I didn’t have time to write. I was in places where it was difficult to write, but that’s not why I stopped.

I’ve gotten discouraged. Maybe that’s not exactly the right word, but it’s the closest I can think of. Oh, my faith is still strong, and I’ve had more conformations that God is real and working and using me than ever before, but at the same time, man have I been under attack! ( I would like to apologize for all the Christianese in here, but it’s like my second language, and I wouldn’t know how else to describe it!)

In the past 3 months, I’ve had 3 friends die. Two were very young and very unexpected. One was suddenly extremely sick, and then painfully fighting. Since then, I’ve heard from 2 others about cancers that have sprung up. One has been told it’s a death sentence, and the other, well, I’m believing they caught it in time. I have another extremely close friend who went from dating an abusive guy to one who is actively and convincingly attacking her faith. And in all of this, all I can do is pray.

I know God is a BIG, HUGE God. I know that He has the best plans for me. For them. I know He made the largest sacrifice anyone has ever made, ever. I know He loves me.

But I like to be in charge.

I like having all the answers.

I  like to know what to say, what to do.

I need to know the plan.

I need to know how to help.

… and I don’t.

And it scares me some times.

And it makes me want to run.

Run to where I know what to do,

to where I have a purpose,

to where I can be of use.

But the thing about God is that, when you’re in those times of just utter discouragement, where you feel useless and like nothing you do actually makes the tiniest difference? That’s when He sends people to remind you. To remind you that, 1st off, it’s not about you, it’s about Him, and 2ndly, when you follow His leading, that’s when things happen. That’s when you can be used.

I can honestly say that, though I have never really felt this discouraged and attacked, I have never had more support. No one knows that this stuff is really going on. I don’t talk about my problems, except for here, so it’s not like these people know to say something. But yet there they are, almost every day, reminding me of the time that I followed God’s lead, even though I didn’t “feel” it. Telling me about how this conversation we had changed their life, asking me to do crazy amazing things, things that are greater than I would have put myself up for.  It’s like a bombardment of reminders that when I follow God’s leading, I become a World Changer. A Planet Shaker. A Road Block in Satan’s path.

I can’t say that I’m not discouraged at times. I still wish I could do something, like make so many copies, run so many errands, do so many jumping jacks, and the problems would go away. But that’s not life, and that’s not how this works. But, I can say that whatever gets thrown at me, I know how to handle it.

By running to Him.

That thought is truly amazing. Can you imagine having an experience with God every 10 days? Scratch that, your GREATEST experience with God never being more than 10 days away?  I hate to admit it, but I can’t. I mean, I wish and hope for it, but I can’t actually wrap my mind around that. I mean, I’ve seen God do some amazing things. I just have a hard time thinking that God can top the time gold dust fell, the tornado split around our camp ground and left us untouched, or when the woman in Peru’s tumor fell off. And the thing is,  while I know He is able to do above and beyond all that I can ask, think, dream, or imagine, I don’t think He will while I continue thinking like this, limiting Him.

You see, when I don’t give God the glory for all that He does, when I don’t put my trust in Him to take care of the cares of this world, I limit Him.  When I stop recognizing all that He is and all that He’s done, I loose.  When I keep Him from my life, I’m left in charge. And what a horrifying thought that is.

Smith Wigglesworth was said to never spend more than 10 minutes at a time talking to God, but never went more than 10 minutes without talking to God.  Do you know how real God must have been to Him? If I’m honest, I forget about my family and friends if I’m busy,  like DAILY. I am not a person who chats with them to just “see what’s up.” In a month, I use about 45 minutes on my cell phone. And most of those are to my work. I am not a chatter. But I know that if I talked to my family and friends every 10 minutes? It would be hard to forget them.  I would know them inside and out, and they would know me.  Now can you imagine what it would be like to do that with God! I mean, I know that every time I do let God in, I’m left flabbergasted.  There has yet to be a time when I truly gave a situation to Him that He hasn’t moved. And the thing about when God moves in your life? It’s not small. It may look small on the outside, to those not experiencing it. But to me? To the person it’s happening to? It’s everything. It’s like a tornado. From far away, it can look like just some clouds, or feel like a light wind. But up close, in the midst of it all, it’s a life changing event that effects everything. And at first, like a tornado, it might feel like everything will be in shambles, that the change, the uncertainty, the loss of control will destroy you; but then, you see what is really taking place. The mess starts to take shape into something beyond what you could hope or dream of, because that’s the kind of God we serve. One who is here to bless and keep us.  To steal a line from Lifehouse, how could I stand with a God like this and NOT be moved by Him?  Can you just imagine living in that?!

The truth is, every moment of my life is a great experience with God, if I choose to see Him working in that moment, if I let Him in. And that’s all up too me.

Thank you so much for reading. I know it’s been a while, but like I’ve said before, I never want to write if I don’t actually have something to say. But fortunately, I think my words have returned to me. So thank you for sticking around through this drought!

This part may sound braggish, but I’m rather good at things. Just things in general. I get math, English, history. I’ve made convincing arguments, and created lovely things. I’ve been told I’m witty and stylish. And for me, life has been rather… easy.

I don’t mean that I haven’t faced challenges. I’ve had my fair share. I am by no means perfect. But when it comes to life, there are few things that perplex me. And that is my down fall.

This sounds like such a sad and pathetic pity party for myself for having a good life, and that is so not what I want this to sound like! So please bare with me.

The reason it’s my downfall, is because in the ease of my life, I grow complacent. It’s almost like I’ve been drugged into submission. Because there is no need to press farther, it’s easy to not press at all. And when you’re there, wasting away, it’s easy to focus on your faults.

I’ve found myself examining my life, and found it wanting. I’ve been just passively going through life, not making a difference. I looked at others around me, and when looking at the good they’re doing, the passion they possess, I didn’t rejoice in their success. I wept in my ineptitude. I am not a people person. I am more than happy to sit at home alone. Yes, I do big adventures, but I’m a go big or go home girl. So when I’m working with my small group and not seeing the same results as the other groups, I think, “Why do I bother?” When I read other bloggers moving posts, I think, “I’ll never have that flow.” When someone asks me to hangout, I find it physically taxing sometimes. I’m not as witty or charming as my sister, or as sweet as my mother, or as helpful as my dad, or…. The list can go on and on of the things I am not.

And that’s where I was. Where I’ve been. Wallowing in my self pity and doubt. And it sucked. Seriously. BUT, do you know what can take place when we’re weak? God’s Grace is made PERFECT in our weakness!

I don’t know if you’re getting how profound that is. Because the thing is, I can do math. I know God gave me the ability, but its not something that I will ever be able to use to show God’s hand, working in my life. (Not that He can’t use math, He’s just not going to use me and math together.) In math, it’s me. There is no glory being given to God. But when someone tells me my writing inspired them? When a girl tells me I spoke some life changing words into her life? When someone ACTUALLY WANTS to go out of their way to grow a deeper friendship with ME? That can only be God. Only option. THE ONLY OPTION. Because anyone whose read my journals can tell you, I am not a great writer. The fact that I have this blog would give my fifth grade teacher a heart attack, and can only be described as an act of God. That one of my girls is learning something from my ramblings? God. That someone thinks I’m an important person who they want to be like and admire? GOD!

This is not me asking for praise and assurances of my abilities. I know what I’m great at, and it is not those things. But those are the things that God has chosen to use in my life. And I love that. It makes it so easy when I’m asked how I know God is real, that I can say, “Well, the fact that I’m talking to you and you actually care what an oddball like me has to say is some overwhelming proof.”

There is a reason the Bible tells us to “Rejoice IN THE LORD always!” It’s not telling us to find something in ourselves to exalt, it’s telling us to rejoice in Him! Because in our weakness, He is proven strong. So I’ll be proud of the weaknesses that keep me humble. They are my reminders that I can’t do it all, and when I make my attempts to do things in my own strength, I’m putting forth an effort that will ultimately fail in comparison to the plan that He has.

Thank you guys for reading. It really does mean a lot to me. I’ve missed you these last few weeks. I will be going back to Mexico this next week, so I will be away again, but when I come back, I’m excited to see what’s ahead for here!