Once upon a time, I doubted. I doubted what I had been taught, what I had read, what I had had instilled in me since I was born.
Once upon a time, I feared. I feared that I was insignificant, that I was a hindrance, that I was incapable of accomplishing my dreams and goals.
Once upon a time, I hurt. I hurt from others opinions, for others own pains, and hurt others out of spite, because I could.
Once upon a time, I wanted more.
I had tried to accomplish my dreams and goals by myself, and failed. I felt empty, from the bitterness I had taken in and given out. I wanted to be a cornerstone for others, but found that doubt had shaken my foundation out from underneath me.
I had held onto my worries so tight that they had trapped me, in a prison that I was unaware I had put myself in. Once aware of my surroundings, I wanted to explain to others that this was not what I had wanted to choose, this was not my choice, but was unable to break off the bindings, the dirt, the weight I had put myself under to speak.
Looking at me, you may have had no idea I was dealing with anything. The air of confidence I had learned to exude was an easy disguise I could pull out for a moment of weakness. I was the picture of strength, capability, and confidence, when all I felt was weak, insignificant, and not deserving of anyone’s attention.
I felt broken, but had no apparent reason to be so, when you’re only looking at the obvious, the external. But if one had been capable of taking a microscope to my soul, my inner workings, they would have seen someone begging for attention, for friendship, for love. One who had shut themselves off to the world, believing that there was no one out there who could fulfill its deep need for connection. I cried out for more. There had to be more to this life. An then, I felt it.
I felt something that I had observed, but never participated in. Something I thought I had a grasp of, but soon realized I hadn’t the foggiest idea what it truly meant. Oh, I had told others in the past that I knew of its wide expanses, its mystical healing powers, but that was, well, it was a man-made description of what I had heard and been taught, a description of something that can only be known by experience.
It was like being in a warm rainstorm. It started slowly, just splashes, slowly washing away my insecurities. Not abrasive, but gentle, reassuring. And once I had become accustomed to it, accepted its help, it gained momentum, pushing me farther. And then, I was immersed.
In an instance, I was cleansed. The weight was gone. And I felt like I, even with all of the doubts, fears, hurts, was enough. He had seen through everything, and still He picked me. Amongst all the others, He chose me to work on, to work through.
I’ve clung to that. Do I struggle? Oh my goodness, yes! But I’ve learned, grown, and changed. I am no longer full of doubt, fear, or striking out to hurt. Because I was chosen. And sometimes, that’s all it takes.
Thank you for reading! It means so much to me.